The realization struck her with a sharp, fiery white glow of a lightning bolt. One that paralyzes you not to your death but instead to be trapped inside the body with no movement or voice to scream out for help. It felt like she had sunk into quicksand after that jolt, and she could not understand how she could feel so dense and weighted and yet so hollow like someone had just scooped all her insides out like a jack-o-lantern at Halloween. There was a realization that life in a bubble is safe from distractions and pain, and it is also a self-made trap to not experience life and those you want to share it with. How was she to continue to understand herself and the people she allowed in her circle if she did not go live her life and experience what brings her joy? How would she know if the people she invites into her life enjoy what lights her up inside if there is no experiencing it together? There was a sense of sadness in her that she had put herself in her own cage. A sadness because she knew from all her trials and journey to get to this point in her life that truly being herself meant she must let go of seeing people how she imagines them to be and accept them for who they choose to be. This is a crossroad where people either hit the ignore button or decide to face it head on. She grabbed her coffee, walked to her couch to sit, and stare out the window to watch the birds courting, dancing, and singing around the yard. She knew all too well about crossroads and that they are an ongoing waypoint on a map throughout our journey. There is not just one. She had to fully embrace these feelings. To hold a sacred space for herself to cry as many tears as she must, feel the ache of the pain in not just letting go but walking through the gauntlet of feeling the loss of people in her life that had not died, but she grieved for the way that she loved them, or wanted to love them. Her wants and desires were painful and joyous at the same time. She wanted to feel alive again. Her quiet gaze landed on a butterfly that was floating from flower to flower. Reminding her in that moment there is beauty in struggle and transformation. She knew the only choice was to reach for the rope to pull herself out of the quicksand…when she was ready.
