What does a pint of Haagen Dazs Bourbon Vanilla Bean Truffle Ice Cream, Netflix binging “A Girlfriends’ Guide to Divorce” and hitting the pause button on that show to start listening to Whole Again: Healing Your Heart and Rediscovering Your True Self After Toxic Relationships and Emotional Abuse sound like a recipe for? THAT would be my current list of ingredients to prepare a steamy batch of …”re-entering the dating world”. If you would have told me I would find myself being triggered from getting out of a toxic relationship almost eight years ago, mind you, and experiencing some of the same feelings I had then being bubbled up during moments with a new love interest or a date now and then adding a dash more hot sauce in allowing myself to continue to date anyone who shows some obvious unhealthy red flags that I recognize, so why would I start this all over again??…I would have said there is no way I would do that again! It’s been eight years! I’ve done the work, I’ve come back to me, I’ve done the counseling, I’ve done the self-help, I’ve done the spiritual practices, I really do love myself, I practice conscious living…everyday…Well, that has been true and is still true but that has also been my single self.
Enter three months into my open to dating self. Which not knowing any different because I haven’t dated since my divorce, my mind thought all of these new practices, boundaries and self-love I’ve chosen to create in my life SHOULD translate the same into the dating world but…experience is telling me dating is a whole different ballgame. Perhaps I was in some way avoiding any type of truly intimate relationship for the last eight years because If I didn’t really put myself out there how could there be a chance of me having to do this not so yellow brick road all over again. Or if a relationship was not really attainable I could make up this continuous hallmark moment of what it would be like if it ever did happen to perpetuate that I am just fine and being in a constant Jane Austin novel with unrequited love is so romantic and is just what my life is now. Uh…Yeah…right! I am coming to realizations now that I couldn’t have if I didn’t decide to start dating and I am choosing to take the mask off and not hide anymore. I’m the first one to say life is all about experiences and you have to live it and follow your heart. So, now that I am practicing in dating and potential partnerships I am experiencing all over again the battle scars that emotional abuse or trauma, whatever you want to call psychological manipulation of any kind that is still lurking in the dark corners within me that hasn’t had to be brought to the light to be hit head on because I haven’t dated. The me outside looking in is seeing hard realization that I am coming to face head on even when those effervescent bubbles don’t feel so good bubbling up to the surface. And while I have been and continue to be in a healthy place, if I want a partner to share this health and beauty, that can’t come at a safe distance. So, accept or change. I choose to keep changing.
The difference now is I HAVE done the work so I am more experienced and can observe the boundaries being crossed even if I don’t immediately shut it down. I can observe my triggers and what I’m bringing to a relationship to not bring old habits to someone that isn’t my past. So, opening up to dating has had its moments of shooting me into the stratosphere in a great way on more than one occasion but has also plunged me into the depths I would rather not visit on any vacation again with that lure of a super discounted price for that five star resort that you already know in your gut isn’t right but pack your bags anyway and the plane lands nowhere near fantasy island. I am able to be conscious through this experience in reminding myself right now to stay grateful for all I have been through and that I am a loving being who is enough and is whole exactly as I am. This is important for me to focus on so I don’t get lost in the cloud of self doubt and self questioning that can be the war zone aftermath left in your heart from manipulation. And I don’t have any shame in saying that therapy is part of my journey. It is healthy for growth and change and it is no different that seeing a doctor for a physical pain. I want to be the best emotionally that I can for myself and a partner if that should enter my realm of possibilities.
I am thankful that amazon prime has digital download of self-help material which I can now audible from my phone or from my tv which has been a great new experience to continue on what can seem like this never-ending journey of healing from toxicity. But really, that’s the whole point to this existence. Whatever it is in your life, in your own personal journey, it is a never ending journey of growth if you want it to be. It can be exhausting sometimes and it is work and some nights leaves me throwing myself on the couch with my work clothes still on at 10pm when I just finally sit down from everything in my life just quieting down and I pull the nearest blanket and pillow towards me. But the exhaustion feels different when you are doing it for you and the changes aren’t temporary in some sort of fix to try and “fix” you or the situation that isn’t working. The experience is changing you from within because it is about you, the life you want and truth that resides within you. The experiences have put me back in the game of me and I make it a practice to celebrate that I made these choices. They don’t just fall in your lap, people. You have to create your life and your story with your choices…that IS cause for celebration!
When I chose to end the cycle eight years ago of a toxic marriage and not just that…the toxic pattern I recognized from my childhood, my parents, my family, any friends, with anyone in my life, I chose to end those patterns for myself and to show my daughter what healthy relationships look like. I made the choice to see life much differently in that moment. I am grateful for every experience because it helps me grow. Choosing to see those patterns and habits in the people around you doesn’t mean you stop loving those people. I know it can be hard to face some of the things that the people in your life, especially your immediate family may have chosen. But that doesn’t mean you have to choose to shut them out. It may, if that is what it means to you to keep you healthy and you choose that for your journey but it also means you are recognizing how you became to be you right now or are the way you are by experiencing each person in your life as the best way they knew how to love you on their journey. Now…you get to choose who you want to become.
I am not usually a fan of any kind of labels because at it’s best labels can only try to describe a piece of what you are trying to relay to someone to give them some idea of who you are. So in this purpose I use it to convey the best way I know how one of the aspects of me that I have felt within me all my life. I can relate and understand Empaths as part of what I have brought forward into this life. Through all of the whirlwind that comes with just BEing you, in just accepting the BEing that you are, and what you are and I am without a label, the simplicity of it is following your truth and your heart.
Love has nothing to do with the Egoic thought of “I am not giving up on the people that I love”. Because you will still love them even if they are not an integral part of your life anymore. Love, for me, has everything to do with being the healthiest being I can be, Mind-Body-Spirit, for me and perhaps someday for a partner. So, yes…there is life and new possibilities in my life. Love creates a natural flow in your life if you aren’t too busy fighting the current to notice. And those that I choose to remain in my life, will nurture and feed my heart and soul.
I read the “Letter from an Empath” the other day that is beautifully written and will give you a mini snapshot into who I am and what I choose to stay healthy from things I’ve walked through. Perhaps it will speak to you too.
How we write our story is always our choice.
