What Is Your SPA Style?

How do you like to SPA?  Keep reading and I will give you my version of a SPA and attempt to infuse a little humor into what sometimes can seem like a dark storm cloud is just happy to follow you around, cracking with lightning at your heels and loud claps of thunder to distract you just long enough to pull you to the dark side.  For those of you that can relate to Star Wars…right about now you can hear Darth Vader breathing and your hairs stand on end because he’s standing right behind you! But then another force seems to pull your ear with a mystical gravitation pull away from that dark shadow and you hear this whisper that starts to permeate the air around you with a slight scent of a candy shop that lures your senses to follow that sweet, vanilla, caramel smell. That whisper now louder in your ear sounds exactly like Yoda saying…”use the force, Michelle.  Don’t go to the dark side.”

Yes, I loved Star Wars growing up and still love the message of using the force for good if I have to put a label on it.   And the reality of being a Single Parent while even attempting to have an Adult life, plus working full time too can be like piloting Luke’s starfighter through the bowels of the death star to rid the world of the dark side!  I have learned some pretty good piloting maneuvers but have also had to patch up my starfighter on more than one occasion.   Ok, maybe I stayed in the starfighter lounge for a few before patching up the holes but I eventually got back in the pilot chair.  Sometimes, you do what you gotta do.  So, how about I share some things I’ve gone through that weren’t always funny at the time but I can laugh about now.  Maybe you can have a laugh or two to lighten up what may feel like a heavy load for just a moment.  I am here to remind you to stay lighthearted, stay grateful even when it’s easier to be mad at the world, remember to laugh even when you want to cry, and encourage you that you are not going through this alone.

So, to SPA or not to SPA? And no, that is not a reference to the hot bubbly warm water inviting you and your glass of mimosa to immerse your probably overdue aching body for 15 golden minutes of uninterrupted soak time with a masseuse waiting behind door number 3 to cater to your every whim with oil and nice hands when you are ready.   Sounds divine, right?!  How about…Single Parent Adulting (SPA).   Taaa daaa!  Now you know.  And If you haven’t seen those pictures yet of “I’m done Adulting…”, here you go.  This is one of my favorites and makes me laugh when I’m having a moment.  I think the artist even channeled me and had no idea I was sending him or her this drawing.  Pick your place…Narnia would be in my top five.

How about I share just a few of my SPA moments…perhaps you can relate and laugh in knowing there are others that are going through similar moments.

• You’ve had about 5 one more last minute requests that your child knew about a week ago and kept quiet in their brain until the night before or better yet morning of the activity.

• A last minute oh I forgot I have to stay after school as you drop your child off or better yet a text in the middle of the same day and you know you will have to somehow get to school and factor in the 45 minutes to an hour drive, depending on traffic could be even longer to get there while you thank your boss repeatedly for being on board to advocate a work life balance because he doesn’t make you feel guilty for choosing your child as the priority. Some of you may not be so fortunate.

• “ Mom, I have no clean clothes I need laundry” (and this one is kinda on you because well…it just dropped of your to do list from the other things that got bumped in front of it) so you are throwing a load in the wash at 10pm just when you thought you could sit down for the day.

• Siri is your full time assistant coordinating events, setting reminders, taking notes, scheduling dentist, doctor and school appointments and calling whoever you ask him to and most of the time my british Siri gets it right.   Occasionally I talk or text someone that I wasn’t expecting. I’ve learned to ask Siri to “review” now before I send!

I really love being there for my child.   Throw in a full time job, caring to be a conscious parent (if you’ve never heard that term before, check this out…(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IY8auVv0BdM) and trying to be an adult with my own life too in the mix…ummm, that can sometimes be a recipe for “I’m done Adulting” and I want to go away to Narnia.  I have learned that having your own time and space and wanting that for yourself has absolutely nothing to do with being selfish as so many of us have been taught throughout our lives to give, give, give away all of us to others at our own well being expense.  Creating time and space for your self has everything to do with being as loving to yourself as your are to everyone else.  That is the only way it is truly healthy.  I am so grateful to my daughter for the being she is and continues to choose to be.  She is an enormous light in my life that gave me the courage to make choices to better my life.  This is being real and honest about the reality of life in not just being a conscious parent, but a conscious being myself.  Conscious choices are a way of living now but that doesn’t automatically = easy road ahead.

It’s been almost eight years since my divorce and I’m not going to tell you that it has been easy. As Eckhert Tolle will tell you, “struggle can be a part of your spiritual awakening and growth” and I understand, embrace and am grateful for recognizing the beauty in that struggle instead of continuing to create an endless groundhog day of struggle in my life.  I realized that I get to choose how I allow struggle to transform me.  Whether you are in a marriage reading this or living with someone, or a SPA, maybe you are experiencing similar moments.  What you experience while in an unhealthy relationship is a whole other story.  But what I also realized in maneuvering this SPA world is that the word relationship isn’t just about two people, it is about the most important relationship you will have…the relationship with yourself.  So, today I am writing about my single parenting experience.  Might be similar situations and with similar feelings while with a partner but with a little different twist.  I’ve lived them both – I know.

There may be days you will be lonely and feel like a speck of dirt at the bottom of a rocky stone bluff with no one for miles. Not even hearing an echo of any voice and definitely not yours unless it’s you talking to the cat or the birds!

There are days you may feel your heart physically ache when you are out alone as you watch people hold hands strolling in front of shops while you sit there in a black, iron chair by yourself outside of Starbucks. Most of time you will smile watching that love and feel so grateful you’re in a beautiful relationship with yourself now. But there will be moments, as the years go by, that you will find an occasional ache and sadness in watching those affectionate displays.  And while it doesn’t last long you find yourself trying to feel grateful while repeating the mantra…I made a healthy choice..I made a healthy choice….long sigh… Now have another Vanilla Latte and straighten up!

There may be days you will be walking through what feels like a field of thick, heavy muck and feel like it took that entire 24 hours to move maybe an inch or sometimes you feel you didn’t even move at all. But you put on your “keep moving on” pants and keep moving on.

You may realize being Lonely is different than being alone. And that while alone can be hard sometimes too, you would rather spend the rest of your life alone than ever feeling lonely WITH a partner ever again.

You may realize your heart aching may not really stop aching. It may just ache in a different way but at least it’s healthier, is getting healthier and you will continue to choose a life that stays healthier every day.

You may realize sometimes you will want to stop adulting and just go to Narnia or your favorite world for a break. And eventually through the years you understand you don’t have to beat yourself up anymore for wanting a break and to take care of you too.  It’s OK to not be able to do it all.  I have joked through the years that I have my wonder woman bracelets and my invisible jet.  For a while I lived like that was a wonderful thing to be looked at as a superhero doing it all.  I was only slowly digging myself into a hole so deep a straw sticking through the very top of the dirt could barely deliver the air I needed to breath.  Take the bracelets and the Superman cape off.  Balance and taking care of you too is being the real superhero that you can only activate from listening to your heart within.

You may realize you have only one pair of clean clothes at any given time and the next night you will only have the energy to throw another pair of clothes in the washer at 10pm so you only have to hang up two pieces of clothing. You will roll out from under your comforter once you hear the loud click of the washer being done and zombie walk to the machine to hang up those two piece with squinty eyes and autopilot yourself back to bed.  It’s ok cause you have one pair of clean clothes to get you through the day and it’s about being grateful.

You may realize you have items of clothing in your closet for more than two years (or more) and by evidence of pictures of family outings and a reminder from my daughter, I just realized I was actually wearing the same shirt this year that I bought about 4 years ago.  So, you may pretty much wear anything for long periods of time and not even notice until your child says…”Mom, yes you really have had that shirt since I was in 5^th grade”.  And then you know it’s time you go shopping.  At least for one new shirt.

You may realize a grocery store is a perfect place to start crying walking down the aisle and no, it’s not the peanut butters fault because it’s not organic…you won’t even have a reason. It is like the gurgling of hot lava within your being that in that moment has decided to not blow in anger but shoot out your eyes like a mini fire hydrant for all the moments you didn’t even realize you had repressed.

I can tell you that I knew without a doubt my choice to remove myself and my daughter from an unhealthy relationship was perfect. And in the end, the focus wasn’t on what was wrong or what went wrong, it was about what I wanted to choose to do right in my life.  It became about me.  And taking responsibility for how I wanted to create my life.  What I wanted to create in my life for me and for my daughter and ultimately for the collective because we are all connected.  I knew it was what I had to do then and have never regretted that choice for a single moment.

But perhaps I may have romanticized and created this movie of it should have been easier after divorce because I made the healthy choice….right? Yes and No.   You still have to be a Single Parent and now a Single Adult maneuvering through the obstacle course of life.   There are a whole other set of obstacle courses to challenge you.  The difference is, I became whole within me again.  I chose that.  That allowed me to stay conscious in my life and be present with every obstacle to choose to live life amidst all of the life situations with love, gratitude and consciousness.  Even if it isn’t very joyful at the time, I am aware, conscious and one with life.

So, whether you are married, single, living with someone they all have their moments. I believe the more we share our experiences, we can help each other through this journey.  In this moment I am sharing my experience and for anyone out there who may be feeling  like you are in the willy wonka factory and taking the psycholdelic boat ride one minute and drinking from a chocolate stream full of bliss the next or you feel locked up in the bowels of the death star and you feel overwhelmed, no matter what your situation is…you are not alone. Reach out, find someone to talk to who will support you in your journey.  We are out here.  Look for the beams of light.  The world really is a beautiful place and you get to choose to create your story.