How has my life changed? I read this this morning, and I immediately went back to what I was doing last September and up till now. I wish I could say that I felt grateful for things that have gone on in my life from then till now. But when I saw the hashtag gratitude, I thought what am I grateful for? And in my mind, I started saying, well I should be grateful… I’m supposed to be grateful for many things, and the honest vulnerable grief-stricken answer is I’m just not. It’s like grief has just held me captive.

Even in the months before last November, I’m now reliving the fun moments in preparing for what was supposed to be another beautiful life changing retreat. Which it was, definitely… just not in the way that I had planned. I’m sure my Sis had not planned this either…you know. So that question hit me hard this morning and it’s hitting me hard every day. And while there’s so many things, yeah, can you look at every day and try to flip the script and say I’m grateful for this butterfly, I’m grateful for these flowers, I’m grateful for the people in my life that are still alive, I’m grateful that I’m still alive. I’m grateful for…you know, a roof over my head and food on the table and so many things, and you know…friends that can keep me grounded or try too anyway. But that gratitude seems elusive and you know, like almost like a ghost that only comes to visit momentarily and then there’s a flash and it’s just gone and disintegrates into thin air. And that’s grief.  Grief…it just has stayed with me.

So, what has changed…what has changed? That grief has become my bestie? You know I laugh, that almost silent, only a hint of an angry laugh, with an undercurrent of incredible pain knowing that that is the truth and the reality of speaking about this out loud hearing my own voice saying these things. And the truth that I really continue to choose to avoid everyone and everything most of the time. Because the grief is just unbearable most days. Still. And I think it will continue to be. You know how you get to that wonderful Candy Land Square and then you hit the ladder square and slide down the ladder? You go around the board again and hit the great candy squares and for a brief moment you feel sparkly again…like maybe there is a sign of you left inside. Then you hit the spot where you slide all the way back down the ladder and do that all over again. That’s pretty much what it feels like on a daily sometimes minute by minute, hourly, every day I am mostly on the ladder hanging on for dear life as I slide down to try and start the next minute all over.

So how has my life changed? Well, there’s a little snippet peering into the window of my life that I haven’t talked about. That’s real. And I can’t really explain that to people because life just continues to go on. Their impact is not the same as mine for things that have happened in my life since last September. And it’s an incredibly frustrating, sad, debilitating feeling…with rare occasions throwing in some happy. And even in those moments, there’s guilt attached to that happiness which people may not understand either. So, I don’t know. It just really hit me about Perspective and gratitude. I wish I could come through that wildflower meadow and see all the beautiful colors that are surrounding me, but most every day what I feel is numb and the colors…well…they just aren’t there.

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